This is a very effective way to resolve a conflict between two people; generally partners; however it can be with anyone. If you attempt this method on your own without a mediator then it is OK; however there are rules you must follow for it to work. I have used this method very effectively during the early days of my second marriage; this is when two couples generally find it difficult when still getting to know one another
Let me make this statement at the beginning; if you do not like what your partner is doing or saying; THEN IT IS YOUR PROBLEM: “NOT YOU’RE PARTNERS!!!” Having said that; if your partner buys into the argument; then it becomes their problem as well!!!
So how do we avoid the blame game?? Simple; when you have a conflict arise that you feel you need to deal with; make a decision about it and follow the instructions I am about to tell you.
• 1): You inform your partner that you wish to have some time out to discuss a matter that is bothering you; DO NOT SAY ANY MORE THAN THAT
• 2): You need to set a time aside to deal with your problem when you are not going to be interrupted by anyone.
• 3): Prepare a bath or spar if you have one; if not a very conducive area or space that is quiet; have low lighting and put candles all around; and nice smelling salts in water if having a bath.
• 4): We had a spar so I will instruct you on that; you improvise if you have not got a bath or spar. Sit at opposite ends of the bath or spar facing one another; or sit in a comfortable space not too far apart from one another facing each other.
• 5): During this whole procedure whoever is talking; the other person has to (SHUT UP AND LISTEN) until that person has finished what they are saying. NOW once there is silence from the speaker then the other person asks the question “HAVE YOU FINISHED?” Once they say yes; then it is the other person’s turn to respond; and the first speaker then has to SHUT UP AND LISTEN to the response. This procedure goes on back and forth until they are both satisfied that all their grievance are aired. Now it is most imperative that while one person is talking the other does not try to defend their actions and get into a debate; they must wait their turn to talk. Some times when there is a lot of animosity a mediator can be used to make sure that the rules are adhered to; (of course that would not apply when having a bath or spar!!!)
• 6:) Now once you are satisfied that you have exhausted your grievances then start to tell each other what you “like about them!!!” Using the same rules as the first procedure. Keep going back and forth until all is exhausted and generally I have found the end result is very satisfying.
You see most people in a conflict talk “at one another” and no one listens “to one another”. This method allows both parties to be heard; also most of the time what you do not like in someone else is generally a reflection of part of yourself being reflected back to you. People in conflict want to blame the other person so they do not have to take responsibility for their own actions, once you blame then you do not have to feel the pain.
In the early part of my second marriage we used this method a lot; we both understood the importance of taking responsibility and not blaming. I would just say to my wife; I need to take a bath with you tonight; she knew what the procedure was and nothing more was said till bath time. There are many ways to deal with conflict; this is just one of them that I have found very effective that you can try on your own without a mediator.
I also train practitioners in a very fast, effective and non-threatening way of dealing with any kind of conflict, depression, upsets, phobias, and dis-creating unwanted identities; any obstacle that stops people from living a joyful and happy life. My method of training is; you need to experience the process yourself; clear out your own obstacles; to be able to know what the other person is experiencing to help them.
Well I hope you have enjoyed my writings and any comment are always welcome; I hope you are having a joyful and happy life; till the next time; LOL Murray